here i am who am i

let me start off with saying that this is kind of a personal post & not terribly interesting.

i had a lot of grand travel plans for the end of my program here in spain. i went to lisbon, portugal and barcelona in the north of spain and from there i was ready to fulfill the title of “world traveler” that my first plane ticket read when i started my journey.

im not sure what stopped me, but less than a week later i found myself back in the south of spain without plans of leaving. granada has been something special and dear to my heart.

even after spending a semester in florida last year which was equally life changing, there was where i learned a lot about who i didnt want to be. here in spain i learned how to become who ive always wanted to be.

i know im a much different person than my first blog post, but i suppose that was in part the purpose of writing sporadically this semester (apart from updating my mom). because even though im different now, it doesn’t change the fact of who i was when i wrote here before. my first week started in málaga, standing on the beach and looking into the vast horizon of the mediterranean. i think in the back of my mind i wanted my last week to end the same way.

in the beginning i was nervous and scared and didn’t know if i could do this all by myself. but i obviously did bc like, here i am, hallelujah. there’s a spanish saying. “no pasa nada.” it basically means “don’t worry about it.” it means “it’s okay.” and i learned that it is okay. it is okay. no pasa nada. it is okay. many a time this semester, like my naturally panicked/worried self, i thought that it wasn’t okay. but it is okay. i don’t need to worry about it. and it is okay.

when you study abroad you meet a lot of people that view the world in unique ways you’d never thought to look before. when you study abroad you grow up in a way that’s really unbinding to who you were before.
so i think about the world differently now. i like to think i care about more important things than i did before. 

i became happier. i learned how to become happy with myself. im confident in the matter of being comfortable with who i am and strong in the sense that i overcame so many internal battles that i couldn’t have done back home.

im still a hopelessly lost 21 year old college student. im still afraid to call the doctor’s office to make an appointment. i still struggle to conjugate in the past subjunctive of vosotros (im almost there tho omg i promise).

but im so, so happy. im so peaceful with life. im so full of love for everyone i meet. more so than i ever thought i could be. i found my enlightenment.

im sorry to all the friends i left behind who saw the horribly anxiety ridden, worried, and unhappy part of me. im not that person anymore. my only fear is that with going home, i’ll become the same person i was again. but i don’t think i will. because it is okay. 

no pasa nada. it means no worries. for the rest of your days.

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